ponderings and wonderment

on sex and the city, every gay man's favorite show, the ladies of new york stated that when you break up with someone, the healing time is supposed to equate to half the length of the relationship that just ended. in my case, half the time (7 months) would be 3.5 months. am i supposed to have moved on by then? should i feel like a new person?

when certain benchmarks pass you by, like the one-week mark or one-month mark, i think to myself, 'yes mr. publicist, you are making progress', but in actuality, i'm really just crossing off days on my calendar. i don't think that there should be a set standard as to when you are supposed to feel better or move on or what not.

i don't know, i just don't feel like i am where i should be. i still think about TA all the time, and i am sure that this is normal, and everyday, yes, it does get a little easier, but its still quite hard on me...i still skip past certain songs on my ipod when they come up, because they make me think of him. when i hear west side story, when i think of brazil, when i pass by del posto, when i hear the name Frank Gehry i think of him. i know this probably means nothing to most if not all of you, but it means soo much to me. i avoid certain areas of the village because i fear that i will run into him, and burst into tears. clearly i miss him a lot still.

we ended on good terms, but with the exception of a quick email, we haven't really spoken since doomsday. i know that i am not at all ready for a relationship (duh), nor do i want one right now, and i do want to speak to him, but i don't think i'm ready for that either. i hope i don't sound like an emotional fool, but this being my first real hardcore relationship, i'm still working out the kinks of the aftermath i guess.....

i'm a mess, i know. hello! i'm 26, i'm not a little school girl hung up on the captain of the football team. this is someone who i was in love with, and the feelings returned. when did i grow up? when did i become an adult who was in an adult relationship? when will the lambs stop crying! ahhh!

(side note: going to see her madgesty on thursday...holla!)