strange dreams...

note: i'm writing this from 31,000 feet, on my way back from dallas for *CONTENT EDITED*, and i'll post it when i'm home in nyc.

i had the strangest dream last night in my hotel room. i was walking through some park somewhere, and i see j.mo walking in my direction, smoking a joint. he smiles and waves, and i approach him and we chat for a quick sec. i take a hit, and he we chat some more. suddenly i see TA walking towards me, side by side with brian, the boyfriend of my former co-worker jake. i'm not sure how he figured into my dream, but there he was. for some reason, i think that in my dream they were ex-boyfriends. anyway TA and I make eye contact, and i say hi, and he just walks right past me. i say hi louder and he keeps walking, and then he turns around and says something that we can't be friends or something like that. i drop to my knees and just start sobbing. it reminded me of when we broke up.

thats when i woke up.

it seems that several SEVERAL of my friends have run into TA while out and about. i feel like this has never happened with any other person that i have dated. i guess its because i've never been in a relationship that my friends were so invested in, because all of my friends knew TA.

maybe this dream upset me so much because i have yet to run into him. do i want to? absolutely not, because i think that it would make for an unbelievably awkward moment. if i found out at he was at the same bar as me, i would probably die a little bit inside and then have to leave for fear of bursting out into tears. i'd rather it be a set-up situation, coffee, a drink, etc. i fear running into someone who i care about deeply. its so weird. i never thought that the one person who i wanted to spend every waking hour with was the one person that i so damn scared to see.

i want to call him, i want to see him, but it def won't help in the healing process right now. will calling him set me back like it did last year when he emailed me? maybe. whenever i think about him, i just get upset. i miss him so much it hurts.

he is such a special person. i think about his laugh, and his terrible, terrible dancing and how he made me smile. i hope he knows that i am thinking about him.