30 May 2007
re: yesterday's post
i've decided that i'm becoming a bit of a whiny bitch, and i need to stop for my own mental wellbeing. i enjoy using this blog as a way to express my thoughts and scream and shout and cry and yell. its a nice release for all my bottled up feelings. i'm sorry if i whine and complain, but its just how i am feeling about things. i'm sure you would all do the same. thanks for reading.
28 May 2007
strange dreams...
note: i'm writing this from 31,000 feet, on my way back from dallas for *CONTENT EDITED*, and i'll post it when i'm home in nyc.
i had the strangest dream last night in my hotel room. i was walking through some park somewhere, and i see j.mo walking in my direction, smoking a joint. he smiles and waves, and i approach him and we chat for a quick sec. i take a hit, and he we chat some more. suddenly i see TA walking towards me, side by side with brian, the boyfriend of my former co-worker jake. i'm not sure how he figured into my dream, but there he was. for some reason, i think that in my dream they were ex-boyfriends. anyway TA and I make eye contact, and i say hi, and he just walks right past me. i say hi louder and he keeps walking, and then he turns around and says something that we can't be friends or something like that. i drop to my knees and just start sobbing. it reminded me of when we broke up.
thats when i woke up.
it seems that several SEVERAL of my friends have run into TA while out and about. i feel like this has never happened with any other person that i have dated. i guess its because i've never been in a relationship that my friends were so invested in, because all of my friends knew TA.
maybe this dream upset me so much because i have yet to run into him. do i want to? absolutely not, because i think that it would make for an unbelievably awkward moment. if i found out at he was at the same bar as me, i would probably die a little bit inside and then have to leave for fear of bursting out into tears. i'd rather it be a set-up situation, coffee, a drink, etc. i fear running into someone who i care about deeply. its so weird. i never thought that the one person who i wanted to spend every waking hour with was the one person that i so damn scared to see.
i want to call him, i want to see him, but it def won't help in the healing process right now. will calling him set me back like it did last year when he emailed me? maybe. whenever i think about him, i just get upset. i miss him so much it hurts.
he is such a special person. i think about his laugh, and his terrible, terrible dancing and how he made me smile. i hope he knows that i am thinking about him.
i had the strangest dream last night in my hotel room. i was walking through some park somewhere, and i see j.mo walking in my direction, smoking a joint. he smiles and waves, and i approach him and we chat for a quick sec. i take a hit, and he we chat some more. suddenly i see TA walking towards me, side by side with brian, the boyfriend of my former co-worker jake. i'm not sure how he figured into my dream, but there he was. for some reason, i think that in my dream they were ex-boyfriends. anyway TA and I make eye contact, and i say hi, and he just walks right past me. i say hi louder and he keeps walking, and then he turns around and says something that we can't be friends or something like that. i drop to my knees and just start sobbing. it reminded me of when we broke up.
thats when i woke up.
it seems that several SEVERAL of my friends have run into TA while out and about. i feel like this has never happened with any other person that i have dated. i guess its because i've never been in a relationship that my friends were so invested in, because all of my friends knew TA.
maybe this dream upset me so much because i have yet to run into him. do i want to? absolutely not, because i think that it would make for an unbelievably awkward moment. if i found out at he was at the same bar as me, i would probably die a little bit inside and then have to leave for fear of bursting out into tears. i'd rather it be a set-up situation, coffee, a drink, etc. i fear running into someone who i care about deeply. its so weird. i never thought that the one person who i wanted to spend every waking hour with was the one person that i so damn scared to see.
i want to call him, i want to see him, but it def won't help in the healing process right now. will calling him set me back like it did last year when he emailed me? maybe. whenever i think about him, i just get upset. i miss him so much it hurts.
he is such a special person. i think about his laugh, and his terrible, terrible dancing and how he made me smile. i hope he knows that i am thinking about him.
23 May 2007
comment on this.
I don’t think that I’m a mean person at all. I think that on the whole, I am a nice guy, I’m very giving and I care a lot. I’ve come to the realization that some people are just the opposite. They are mean, callous, insensitive people. I say this because some of the comments that I have been receiving on here are incredibly cruel. Saying how I need to stop whining about the break-up or my posts are toe-curlingly boring, or that I’m losing hair at a rapid pace (which is just rude, and if you don’t think I’m already incredibly self-conscious about it, think how I feel when other people mention it in this context).
If you don’t like what I’m writing, then stop reading! No one is forcing you. I use this blog as a way to express how I am feeling about things in my life. I’ve been through a lot of changes in my life as of late, and I use this blog as my outlet. When I want to scream at someone, I can do it on here. When I want to cry about something, I can do it on here. I have a lot to say, and you don’t have to agree with it, but its just ridiculous that people can shamelessly anonymously post these nasty comments about me and how i live my life.
That being said, I’ve disabled the comments section. For those of you who still feel the need to attack me verbally, do it in person next time.
If you don’t like what I’m writing, then stop reading! No one is forcing you. I use this blog as a way to express how I am feeling about things in my life. I’ve been through a lot of changes in my life as of late, and I use this blog as my outlet. When I want to scream at someone, I can do it on here. When I want to cry about something, I can do it on here. I have a lot to say, and you don’t have to agree with it, but its just ridiculous that people can shamelessly anonymously post these nasty comments about me and how i live my life.
That being said, I’ve disabled the comments section. For those of you who still feel the need to attack me verbally, do it in person next time.
17 May 2007
move along, move along...
Its just weird I guess. Knowing that the next time that I talk to TA we’ll be in different places in our life. I mean, I know that I will. I have a job, I’m traveling, I’m doing new stuff. TA will probably be in a new apartment, he may have a car, who knows. I will always think of him when I pass through the West 4th St. station on the subway because that’s his stop, he lives (lived?) right there. I said it last year that I have a problem that I associate places with him and with us. I hold things so tight to my heart that its nearly impossible to let go. I can’t even think of the damn country of Australia without getting upset! Ugh.
How does one move on when they feel the burden and power of a the end of a relationship? Even when I was in chicago, last week for work, I thought of him. I was at the art institute of chicago and I knew that he would have loved the exhibits that were going on. It made me think of the time we went to the natural history museum or when we went to the whitney and everywhere else. The memories are painful now because the driving force behind the last year and a half of my life, my go-to guy, my best friend is not there. I know that down the line in a few months, I’ll have the balls to call him and say hi, but right now I’m still dealing the end of this relationship. i know, i'm a big stupid emotional mess.
Yesterday I did the rehearsal taping for a new game show that is going to air on bravo called "paycheck" which was a lot of fun. I was there for several hours with 6 other contestants and we did the blocking for the show and a few run-throughs, it was a good time…(shout out to caryn the cute lil spitfire from picturethis, holla!)…anyway, I left the studio, and I wanted to do nothing more than call TA to tell him all about my day and how fun it was. I wanted to hear his adorable accent on the other end of the line asking me questions about my day. saying something. just anything.
crazy matthew thinks that i need to give 'us' another try, that the 3rd times the charm, but thats not going to happen. no matter how in love with him i was/am. it could never work on that same level again. we're never going to be together again. as much as that is a reality, and something that i must adhere to, it still hurts the same amount every single day.
How does one move on when they feel the burden and power of a the end of a relationship? Even when I was in chicago, last week for work, I thought of him. I was at the art institute of chicago and I knew that he would have loved the exhibits that were going on. It made me think of the time we went to the natural history museum or when we went to the whitney and everywhere else. The memories are painful now because the driving force behind the last year and a half of my life, my go-to guy, my best friend is not there. I know that down the line in a few months, I’ll have the balls to call him and say hi, but right now I’m still dealing the end of this relationship. i know, i'm a big stupid emotional mess.
Yesterday I did the rehearsal taping for a new game show that is going to air on bravo called "paycheck" which was a lot of fun. I was there for several hours with 6 other contestants and we did the blocking for the show and a few run-throughs, it was a good time…(shout out to caryn the cute lil spitfire from picturethis, holla!)…anyway, I left the studio, and I wanted to do nothing more than call TA to tell him all about my day and how fun it was. I wanted to hear his adorable accent on the other end of the line asking me questions about my day. saying something. just anything.
crazy matthew thinks that i need to give 'us' another try, that the 3rd times the charm, but thats not going to happen. no matter how in love with him i was/am. it could never work on that same level again. we're never going to be together again. as much as that is a reality, and something that i must adhere to, it still hurts the same amount every single day.
13 May 2007
and thank you anonymous.
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "my friend matt.":
"Adam, you have lost a LOT of hair since 2001. There is a BIG differance in your looks between then and now. May I suggest—STRONGLY—that you investigate Rogaine & Propecia? Your receding/thinning hair makes you look older than you actually are, which is not good in the dating world."
thank you for your kind words.
"Adam, you have lost a LOT of hair since 2001. There is a BIG differance in your looks between then and now. May I suggest—STRONGLY—that you investigate Rogaine & Propecia? Your receding/thinning hair makes you look older than you actually are, which is not good in the dating world."
thank you for your kind words.
my friend matt.
it's amazing how time flies sometimes. i am really blown away when i get the opportunity to see someone whom i haven't seen in a good long time, and i can just see all the changes. 2 nights ago, i had a spectacular night. i'm here in chicago *CONTENT EDITED* and i met up with my great friend matt schaefer who has been one of my best friends since we met and worked together at starbucks in school.
matt is a great friend, and we've been through a lot together. we have so many ridiculous and crazy storied from back in the IU days and when he lived in NYC too. i miss those days. we were both so new to the real world, and so naive about everything really. time has passed and its so wonderful to meet up and reflect on our lives now and what we have done and what we have been through. it was such a perfect night. we ate, we drank, we caught and we just enjoyed each other's company.
matt told me that several of his songs have just been picked up for commercials for hallmark commercials, and i'm just so unbelievably thrilled for him. tonight i drove my bigass ford expedition down to his place and we went out for a glass of wine and a bite and i met the guy who he is dating (very cute, i approve), and just chatted it up. it was simply perfect.
as we grow and as we move on in life, we change. we have jobs and we lose jobs. we have wonderful relationships and we grieve for those that didn't work out. but all through it, even when there is a long time between visits, we still have our most important relationships that are so powerful and so strong and they remind you that you'll always get through the hardships. you'll always have that friend to call and see when you pass through time.
it was great to see you matt. i'm so happy for you and everything you have going for you and i'll always be your number one fan.
(A-D and tween, circa 2001, pinkeye and all...)
matt is a great friend, and we've been through a lot together. we have so many ridiculous and crazy storied from back in the IU days and when he lived in NYC too. i miss those days. we were both so new to the real world, and so naive about everything really. time has passed and its so wonderful to meet up and reflect on our lives now and what we have done and what we have been through. it was such a perfect night. we ate, we drank, we caught and we just enjoyed each other's company.
matt told me that several of his songs have just been picked up for commercials for hallmark commercials, and i'm just so unbelievably thrilled for him. tonight i drove my bigass ford expedition down to his place and we went out for a glass of wine and a bite and i met the guy who he is dating (very cute, i approve), and just chatted it up. it was simply perfect.
as we grow and as we move on in life, we change. we have jobs and we lose jobs. we have wonderful relationships and we grieve for those that didn't work out. but all through it, even when there is a long time between visits, we still have our most important relationships that are so powerful and so strong and they remind you that you'll always get through the hardships. you'll always have that friend to call and see when you pass through time.
it was great to see you matt. i'm so happy for you and everything you have going for you and i'll always be your number one fan.
(A-D and tween, circa 2001, pinkeye and all...)
10 May 2007
a quick quote before i take off for chicago...
when asked about the prospect of having sex with a celebrity just for the sake of the sex:
"I've hooked up with ugly non-famous people, whats to stop me from hooking up with ugly famous people?"....Wendy
"I've hooked up with ugly non-famous people, whats to stop me from hooking up with ugly famous people?"....Wendy
08 May 2007
***UPDATE***
so, i just went to a neurologist during lunch, and it turns out that i do not have cluster headaches, but in fact i have a cervicogenic headache, which is based from a nerve in my cervical spine. ok first off, who knew that men had anything in their body with the word cervix in it! eeewww! well, it is a bone and a spine and blah blah blah.
she also said that my reflexes we brisk, and yes, she did the classic 'hit-you-on-your-knee-to-make-it-bounce' technique. she said that it was 'not of great concern for now'. what the f does that mean? for now? i may have a pinched nerve in my neck that is causing all this, she's not 100% sure, so i'm going back to see the neurologist for a more in-depth visit on tuesday. maybe some CAT scans or an MRI, i'm thrilled.
so, the doc gave me a script for some pain meds which are narcotic (yay!), but non-addictive (boo!), so hopefully that will ease this up a bit. i have to start traveling for work starting on thursday, so i am hoping that i'll be up for it. *CONTENT EDITED*
on another note, i realized that i hate being single. yeah, it has its perks every once in a while, but you just cant match having someone there to hold your hand when you are in the hospital or at the doctors, or just having your boyfriend there to tell you everything is going to be ok.
i know i'll get over this heartache and this headache soon, but the pain is killing me!
she also said that my reflexes we brisk, and yes, she did the classic 'hit-you-on-your-knee-to-make-it-bounce' technique. she said that it was 'not of great concern for now'. what the f does that mean? for now? i may have a pinched nerve in my neck that is causing all this, she's not 100% sure, so i'm going back to see the neurologist for a more in-depth visit on tuesday. maybe some CAT scans or an MRI, i'm thrilled.
so, the doc gave me a script for some pain meds which are narcotic (yay!), but non-addictive (boo!), so hopefully that will ease this up a bit. i have to start traveling for work starting on thursday, so i am hoping that i'll be up for it. *CONTENT EDITED*
on another note, i realized that i hate being single. yeah, it has its perks every once in a while, but you just cant match having someone there to hold your hand when you are in the hospital or at the doctors, or just having your boyfriend there to tell you everything is going to be ok.
i know i'll get over this heartache and this headache soon, but the pain is killing me!
07 May 2007
first heartache, now a headache.
So, for the past 7 days, I have had an awful headache. I thought that it was perhaps stress related, or work related or even TA related, I don’t know, but regardless, it just didn’t go away. Tylenol, pot, nothing made it go away! So this morning, after waking up at 6am with an ATROCIOUS headache, I decided I needed to go to the hospital.
I went into work on time and told my boss that I was feeling like shite and that I needed to go to the hospital immediamente! So I went to st. vincent’s in the village and went straight to the ER. The last time I was there was there was to pick up TA when he had surgery there back in September…its amazing how time flies….
Ok, first of all, I hate hospitals. They creep me out big time. The crying babies, the screaming Puerto Ricans, the elderly folks, its just no fun. There were a lot of people there, and yeah, I just don’t like hospitals. I’m sitting in the waiting room, thinking that I have a brain tumor, mildly freaking out, but taking it in stride, and looking cute in my suit of course. So about 45 min later, I spoke with like 3 nurses and 2 doctors, and they told me that I was symptomatic of having cluster headaches, which according to the national headache foundation (and who knew such a group exists), are some of the most painful headaches out there, and they are chronic and long term. Awesome.
So the doc poked me with an IV, and shot me up some with meds. I took a bit of a nappy nap while I was there because I had to wait for the IV to stop dripping before they could release me. So I hope that this won’t happen again, because a week of a headache is nooooo fun, and I can only imagine what it’s like to be a chronic sufferer of this! Ugh!
I’m like 85% better, and I need to go to an ENT as well as a neurologist, just to rule out anything else...here’s hoping that I get better soon...ugh...
I went into work on time and told my boss that I was feeling like shite and that I needed to go to the hospital immediamente! So I went to st. vincent’s in the village and went straight to the ER. The last time I was there was there was to pick up TA when he had surgery there back in September…its amazing how time flies….
Ok, first of all, I hate hospitals. They creep me out big time. The crying babies, the screaming Puerto Ricans, the elderly folks, its just no fun. There were a lot of people there, and yeah, I just don’t like hospitals. I’m sitting in the waiting room, thinking that I have a brain tumor, mildly freaking out, but taking it in stride, and looking cute in my suit of course. So about 45 min later, I spoke with like 3 nurses and 2 doctors, and they told me that I was symptomatic of having cluster headaches, which according to the national headache foundation (and who knew such a group exists), are some of the most painful headaches out there, and they are chronic and long term. Awesome.
So the doc poked me with an IV, and shot me up some with meds. I took a bit of a nappy nap while I was there because I had to wait for the IV to stop dripping before they could release me. So I hope that this won’t happen again, because a week of a headache is nooooo fun, and I can only imagine what it’s like to be a chronic sufferer of this! Ugh!
I’m like 85% better, and I need to go to an ENT as well as a neurologist, just to rule out anything else...here’s hoping that I get better soon...ugh...
04 May 2007
1 month down...
so its been 1 month since TA and I broke up. yeah, its been a rough month to say the least. i feel like so much is changing with me. i'm growing up, i'm growing hair in new places...oh wait, that happened 3 weeks prior to my bar mitzvah. anyway, yeah, i have a new job, i've made some new friends, but i don't know if i have a new outlook on life. i mean, i don't know if I’m supposed to really, but now would be a good time to have one, right?
I still think about TA, its going to be inevitable that I do. 1 month down and I still wear the necklace that he gave me, and I still give it a kiss everytime. I mean, I sorta treat it like a mezuzah sans any deep religious meaning; its more symbolic at this point. i guess in a way it will always keep him close to my heart (cute the sappy music please!)...
I still take everything day by day, and I’m def keeping myself distracted with things. My friend Marc's 30th last weekend (happy birthday old man!), tommy coming back to town (best weekend ever!) a tequila-infused OUT party at mr. Black last night (which by the way, I had vowed not to go to as I am a pussy and I am afraid that I will run into you know who), a wedding in PA this weekend that I’m going to with Queen Jiller, and lots of travel for work. busy busy busy. its what you have to do, ya know?
as a side note, I haven’t had a ciggy in over 7 and a ½ months. I mean,not even a drag of one. Not when TA had one, not when any of the Lil’s have one, none! I’m pretty impressed with myself, I won’t lie.
finally, something utterly insane happened to my neighbor andrew and i last night: we took a train home for the aforementioned OUT party from the b'way/laf stop, and there was not a single person in our car, for 2 stops! when the hell does that happen? really! so, to celebrate the occasion, we opted to act crazy, run around with our pants down (did i mention that we had imbibed a crap load of tequila?), and took some pics...enjoy!
(and if that's not one sweet jew ass, i don't know what is...)
I still think about TA, its going to be inevitable that I do. 1 month down and I still wear the necklace that he gave me, and I still give it a kiss everytime. I mean, I sorta treat it like a mezuzah sans any deep religious meaning; its more symbolic at this point. i guess in a way it will always keep him close to my heart (cute the sappy music please!)...
I still take everything day by day, and I’m def keeping myself distracted with things. My friend Marc's 30th last weekend (happy birthday old man!), tommy coming back to town (best weekend ever!) a tequila-infused OUT party at mr. Black last night (which by the way, I had vowed not to go to as I am a pussy and I am afraid that I will run into you know who), a wedding in PA this weekend that I’m going to with Queen Jiller, and lots of travel for work. busy busy busy. its what you have to do, ya know?
as a side note, I haven’t had a ciggy in over 7 and a ½ months. I mean,not even a drag of one. Not when TA had one, not when any of the Lil’s have one, none! I’m pretty impressed with myself, I won’t lie.
finally, something utterly insane happened to my neighbor andrew and i last night: we took a train home for the aforementioned OUT party from the b'way/laf stop, and there was not a single person in our car, for 2 stops! when the hell does that happen? really! so, to celebrate the occasion, we opted to act crazy, run around with our pants down (did i mention that we had imbibed a crap load of tequila?), and took some pics...enjoy!
(and if that's not one sweet jew ass, i don't know what is...)
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