Its just weird I guess. Knowing that the next time that I talk to TA we’ll be in different places in our life. I mean, I know that I will. I have a job, I’m traveling, I’m doing new stuff. TA will probably be in a new apartment, he may have a car, who knows. I will always think of him when I pass through the West 4th St. station on the subway because that’s his stop, he lives (lived?) right there. I said it last year that I have a problem that I associate places with him and with us. I hold things so tight to my heart that its nearly impossible to let go. I can’t even think of the damn country of Australia without getting upset! Ugh.
How does one move on when they feel the burden and power of a the end of a relationship? Even when I was in chicago, last week for work, I thought of him. I was at the art institute of chicago and I knew that he would have loved the exhibits that were going on. It made me think of the time we went to the natural history museum or when we went to the whitney and everywhere else. The memories are painful now because the driving force behind the last year and a half of my life, my go-to guy, my best friend is not there. I know that down the line in a few months, I’ll have the balls to call him and say hi, but right now I’m still dealing the end of this relationship. i know, i'm a big stupid emotional mess.
Yesterday I did the rehearsal taping for a new game show that is going to air on bravo called "paycheck" which was a lot of fun. I was there for several hours with 6 other contestants and we did the blocking for the show and a few run-throughs, it was a good time…(shout out to caryn the cute lil spitfire from picturethis, holla!)…anyway, I left the studio, and I wanted to do nothing more than call TA to tell him all about my day and how fun it was. I wanted to hear his adorable accent on the other end of the line asking me questions about my day. saying something. just anything.
crazy matthew thinks that i need to give 'us' another try, that the 3rd times the charm, but thats not going to happen. no matter how in love with him i was/am. it could never work on that same level again. we're never going to be together again. as much as that is a reality, and something that i must adhere to, it still hurts the same amount every single day.
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i'm gay. sometimes i think i'm fabulous. i'm not a publicist.
2 comments:
Okay, okay. ENOUGH about this TA sh!% I’m over it already! Hmmm, it was tough though. My advice…go back and re-read all your blogs about TA, by the time you’re through you’ll be over him too. Crazy matthew? Was that supposed to be Crazy, (comma), matthew? The adjective was certainly referring to the situation, not mwhah? I did think you should get back together, still do. Just think how great you’d be doing now if you would have taken my advice. Rather than mourning over it the last few weeks, you’d be with him again—Fighting, complaining, screwing, who knows what, but not mourning. The only way to get over someone is to love your self more than everyone else. So be as arrogant and conceded as you possibly can and you’ll see how better it will make you feel. Anyway, who’s this Matthew Schafer punk? Really a whole column on him! What nerve. He’s not even an official member of Mattropolis. Poser.
I agree. This whole whining about TA is UBER boring! Look, you're a well-to-do, healthy white man of privilge...stop whining. You have a great life, men will come & go, come & go. Stop the drama. Get over yourself. We are all sick of hearing about this. Go to the gym, and pick up some hot boy. That will help you get over TA. Enough already. Stop marinating in self-pity. It is toe-curlingly boring, Adam. Grow up already...you're close to 30.
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