30 May 2007
re: yesterday's post
i've decided that i'm becoming a bit of a whiny bitch, and i need to stop for my own mental wellbeing. i enjoy using this blog as a way to express my thoughts and scream and shout and cry and yell. its a nice release for all my bottled up feelings. i'm sorry if i whine and complain, but its just how i am feeling about things. i'm sure you would all do the same. thanks for reading.
28 May 2007
strange dreams...
note: i'm writing this from 31,000 feet, on my way back from dallas for *CONTENT EDITED*, and i'll post it when i'm home in nyc.
i had the strangest dream last night in my hotel room. i was walking through some park somewhere, and i see j.mo walking in my direction, smoking a joint. he smiles and waves, and i approach him and we chat for a quick sec. i take a hit, and he we chat some more. suddenly i see TA walking towards me, side by side with brian, the boyfriend of my former co-worker jake. i'm not sure how he figured into my dream, but there he was. for some reason, i think that in my dream they were ex-boyfriends. anyway TA and I make eye contact, and i say hi, and he just walks right past me. i say hi louder and he keeps walking, and then he turns around and says something that we can't be friends or something like that. i drop to my knees and just start sobbing. it reminded me of when we broke up.
thats when i woke up.
it seems that several SEVERAL of my friends have run into TA while out and about. i feel like this has never happened with any other person that i have dated. i guess its because i've never been in a relationship that my friends were so invested in, because all of my friends knew TA.
maybe this dream upset me so much because i have yet to run into him. do i want to? absolutely not, because i think that it would make for an unbelievably awkward moment. if i found out at he was at the same bar as me, i would probably die a little bit inside and then have to leave for fear of bursting out into tears. i'd rather it be a set-up situation, coffee, a drink, etc. i fear running into someone who i care about deeply. its so weird. i never thought that the one person who i wanted to spend every waking hour with was the one person that i so damn scared to see.
i want to call him, i want to see him, but it def won't help in the healing process right now. will calling him set me back like it did last year when he emailed me? maybe. whenever i think about him, i just get upset. i miss him so much it hurts.
he is such a special person. i think about his laugh, and his terrible, terrible dancing and how he made me smile. i hope he knows that i am thinking about him.
i had the strangest dream last night in my hotel room. i was walking through some park somewhere, and i see j.mo walking in my direction, smoking a joint. he smiles and waves, and i approach him and we chat for a quick sec. i take a hit, and he we chat some more. suddenly i see TA walking towards me, side by side with brian, the boyfriend of my former co-worker jake. i'm not sure how he figured into my dream, but there he was. for some reason, i think that in my dream they were ex-boyfriends. anyway TA and I make eye contact, and i say hi, and he just walks right past me. i say hi louder and he keeps walking, and then he turns around and says something that we can't be friends or something like that. i drop to my knees and just start sobbing. it reminded me of when we broke up.
thats when i woke up.
it seems that several SEVERAL of my friends have run into TA while out and about. i feel like this has never happened with any other person that i have dated. i guess its because i've never been in a relationship that my friends were so invested in, because all of my friends knew TA.
maybe this dream upset me so much because i have yet to run into him. do i want to? absolutely not, because i think that it would make for an unbelievably awkward moment. if i found out at he was at the same bar as me, i would probably die a little bit inside and then have to leave for fear of bursting out into tears. i'd rather it be a set-up situation, coffee, a drink, etc. i fear running into someone who i care about deeply. its so weird. i never thought that the one person who i wanted to spend every waking hour with was the one person that i so damn scared to see.
i want to call him, i want to see him, but it def won't help in the healing process right now. will calling him set me back like it did last year when he emailed me? maybe. whenever i think about him, i just get upset. i miss him so much it hurts.
he is such a special person. i think about his laugh, and his terrible, terrible dancing and how he made me smile. i hope he knows that i am thinking about him.
23 May 2007
comment on this.
I don’t think that I’m a mean person at all. I think that on the whole, I am a nice guy, I’m very giving and I care a lot. I’ve come to the realization that some people are just the opposite. They are mean, callous, insensitive people. I say this because some of the comments that I have been receiving on here are incredibly cruel. Saying how I need to stop whining about the break-up or my posts are toe-curlingly boring, or that I’m losing hair at a rapid pace (which is just rude, and if you don’t think I’m already incredibly self-conscious about it, think how I feel when other people mention it in this context).
If you don’t like what I’m writing, then stop reading! No one is forcing you. I use this blog as a way to express how I am feeling about things in my life. I’ve been through a lot of changes in my life as of late, and I use this blog as my outlet. When I want to scream at someone, I can do it on here. When I want to cry about something, I can do it on here. I have a lot to say, and you don’t have to agree with it, but its just ridiculous that people can shamelessly anonymously post these nasty comments about me and how i live my life.
That being said, I’ve disabled the comments section. For those of you who still feel the need to attack me verbally, do it in person next time.
If you don’t like what I’m writing, then stop reading! No one is forcing you. I use this blog as a way to express how I am feeling about things in my life. I’ve been through a lot of changes in my life as of late, and I use this blog as my outlet. When I want to scream at someone, I can do it on here. When I want to cry about something, I can do it on here. I have a lot to say, and you don’t have to agree with it, but its just ridiculous that people can shamelessly anonymously post these nasty comments about me and how i live my life.
That being said, I’ve disabled the comments section. For those of you who still feel the need to attack me verbally, do it in person next time.
17 May 2007
move along, move along...
Its just weird I guess. Knowing that the next time that I talk to TA we’ll be in different places in our life. I mean, I know that I will. I have a job, I’m traveling, I’m doing new stuff. TA will probably be in a new apartment, he may have a car, who knows. I will always think of him when I pass through the West 4th St. station on the subway because that’s his stop, he lives (lived?) right there. I said it last year that I have a problem that I associate places with him and with us. I hold things so tight to my heart that its nearly impossible to let go. I can’t even think of the damn country of Australia without getting upset! Ugh.
How does one move on when they feel the burden and power of a the end of a relationship? Even when I was in chicago, last week for work, I thought of him. I was at the art institute of chicago and I knew that he would have loved the exhibits that were going on. It made me think of the time we went to the natural history museum or when we went to the whitney and everywhere else. The memories are painful now because the driving force behind the last year and a half of my life, my go-to guy, my best friend is not there. I know that down the line in a few months, I’ll have the balls to call him and say hi, but right now I’m still dealing the end of this relationship. i know, i'm a big stupid emotional mess.
Yesterday I did the rehearsal taping for a new game show that is going to air on bravo called "paycheck" which was a lot of fun. I was there for several hours with 6 other contestants and we did the blocking for the show and a few run-throughs, it was a good time…(shout out to caryn the cute lil spitfire from picturethis, holla!)…anyway, I left the studio, and I wanted to do nothing more than call TA to tell him all about my day and how fun it was. I wanted to hear his adorable accent on the other end of the line asking me questions about my day. saying something. just anything.
crazy matthew thinks that i need to give 'us' another try, that the 3rd times the charm, but thats not going to happen. no matter how in love with him i was/am. it could never work on that same level again. we're never going to be together again. as much as that is a reality, and something that i must adhere to, it still hurts the same amount every single day.
How does one move on when they feel the burden and power of a the end of a relationship? Even when I was in chicago, last week for work, I thought of him. I was at the art institute of chicago and I knew that he would have loved the exhibits that were going on. It made me think of the time we went to the natural history museum or when we went to the whitney and everywhere else. The memories are painful now because the driving force behind the last year and a half of my life, my go-to guy, my best friend is not there. I know that down the line in a few months, I’ll have the balls to call him and say hi, but right now I’m still dealing the end of this relationship. i know, i'm a big stupid emotional mess.
Yesterday I did the rehearsal taping for a new game show that is going to air on bravo called "paycheck" which was a lot of fun. I was there for several hours with 6 other contestants and we did the blocking for the show and a few run-throughs, it was a good time…(shout out to caryn the cute lil spitfire from picturethis, holla!)…anyway, I left the studio, and I wanted to do nothing more than call TA to tell him all about my day and how fun it was. I wanted to hear his adorable accent on the other end of the line asking me questions about my day. saying something. just anything.
crazy matthew thinks that i need to give 'us' another try, that the 3rd times the charm, but thats not going to happen. no matter how in love with him i was/am. it could never work on that same level again. we're never going to be together again. as much as that is a reality, and something that i must adhere to, it still hurts the same amount every single day.
13 May 2007
and thank you anonymous.
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "my friend matt.":
"Adam, you have lost a LOT of hair since 2001. There is a BIG differance in your looks between then and now. May I suggest—STRONGLY—that you investigate Rogaine & Propecia? Your receding/thinning hair makes you look older than you actually are, which is not good in the dating world."
thank you for your kind words.
"Adam, you have lost a LOT of hair since 2001. There is a BIG differance in your looks between then and now. May I suggest—STRONGLY—that you investigate Rogaine & Propecia? Your receding/thinning hair makes you look older than you actually are, which is not good in the dating world."
thank you for your kind words.
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